Bury me in my ruby red slippers

“you’ve always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself. The Wizard of Oz. My ruby red slippers are worn and used. Holding my foot tight Trying to remind me that I am safe. My slippers have been on long walks with me my slippers have Run with me across the playground of life. They have been stepped on rained on snowing on the souls are worn out. I have experienced hurt sorrow love joy and surprise with my feet tight in my slippers my legs and feet have been Tired in the slippers in the soles worn and dirty. The heels wobbly almost to break. These Slippers have been on my feet through childhood fears and joys. They have taken me running away when my When my father was drunk and I was terrified.They have taken me into the arms of the ones that cared for meand loved me . Clicking my heels together and remembering that the best is yet to come. Has help me get through days of sorrow. Growing up in a home where I was the only one. Feeling terrified of the fighting and drinking that went on in my home. I wore my slippers every time I would run away with my mother to a safe motel or to the warm embracing love of Lala and Papa the good witch sort of full of hope for me and the scarecrow patient and loving The slippers took me running from my house to a payphone when I was 10 and my mother had collapsed on the floor after fighting all night with my father. I have stood strong in my slippers I have been shaken in my slippers my feet of been sore and blisters had formed and healed. My feet have been sweaty with fear in my slippers. And softened with joy. My slippers fit inside my skates while I tighten them in with my skate key. I wore my slippers while flying my kite one of my favorite things to do. My feet held tight in my slippers when I was scared and trembling or when I was running with joy with my grandchildren through a park.

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The choice:

Many people haveTold me “you are the strongest person I’ve ever known “to that I say “Have you known yourself ? “Have you been in circumstances where being strong was your only choice? I would guess you have or you wouldn’t be here to read this today. My ego would like to think that I am admired and looked up to for an attribute that not everyone possesses. But it is just not true ,you possess it , it is born into us it’s there when you have to dig for it.

After a 45 year marriage dissolved before my very eyes I had no choice but to sink or swim. I wasn’t ready to swim. I felt canon balled into the water with an anchor around my ankle.The sinking feeling put me in enough despair as to shrink to a corner of my new small condo. Hiding away where the hurt couldn’t find me.I wanted to be small very small too

small to cry , Too small to feel, or have anyone try to step into my isolating sadness that swept over me Day and night.

Add first I would only walk from my bedroom to my bathroom and through the front door Never acknowledging that there was a living space in my new home because you see I didn’t feel alive anymore. At night I would come home and I would walk from the door to my bedroom to my bathroom and To bed. I repeated this every day.I repeated this over and over for months at a time. The loneliness would not go away the hurt would not go away the sadness would not go away.After several months Things began to soften There were actually hours at a time when I didn’t feel the searing sadness burning through me. It was during one of these times that I realized if I wasn’t going to be stuck in that corner in my bedroom it was up to me And a power greater than myself.

It is then that I got out my biggest shovel stuck it in the ground of my heart and turned over the dirt. I started wanting to challenge myself to see how strong I was. One Very cold day in February my car wasn’t working and I thought about calling someone to take me to work , there had always been somebody to help me out to fix things to fill-in when I needed it. But that reality of changed . I could have called into work. But I had made it so far that I wanted to challenge myself. So I bundled up and I walked the 2 miles to work in the cold by myself. I made it I felt strong , I was strong I was developing strength.

Seeds of tenacity

I had wildflowers in my garden. They would grow “wildly”and uncontrollably. I would pull them out of the ground every fall. The seeds would fall back into the dirt. Pierce the soil . The seeds do not drop easily, They would shatter as the flowers quivered and shook with anxious expectations . The stems airy and willowy with an insubstantial lightness.

The flowers 🌸 give way easily from the earth they have relaxed in all spring and summer. The soil becomes a settling place after pushing itself out of the tender seed The stems grow so tall to hold the

Where did you go?

This morning I started a post titled “it’s not about me” As happens frequently with me I returned to forge ahead writing my post and found my writings dissolved from my page.My lack of ability to dance in a world of technology.” My writings I lost are still somewhere in pixel land or so I am told. where did they go?

Someone recently told me,”I can’t see you as a young mother. Where did that young mother go? With all her idealism.The idealism of my small babies in my arms. The smell of their skin. The folds around their necks ,shoulders that were created while laying close inside me in their warm environment.

WHO IS THE KEEPER OF MY MEMORIES?

Which puzzle piece is mine

There  are puzzles and then there are puzzles. Crossword puzzles, jigsaw puzzles,children’s puzzles with large squares that have different pictures on either side of the blocks. Floor puzzles, more sophisticated puzzles like Sudoku. There are riddles, word games,anagrams, ♟ Chess.

Puzzles also have ways to be solved, to test ingenuity and knowledge.

What if there is a puzzle with no solution, one that not only cannot be put together but was never intended to be solved. At least I was not meant to solve them.

I can also be puzzled , perplexed,confused,bewildered

Maybe there are puzzles not meant to be solved.

I can’t solve a puzzle with missing pieces. It doesn’t stop me from trying . When I am overwhelmed by something and feel the anxiety of wanting it to make sense to me. I can’t rest or sleep. All I can think of is what is missing from the logic in my puzzle. I will stay awake trying To conjure up a jagged puzzle piece to fit into a gap that doesn’t exist.

what if I didn’t try to solve the puzzle 🧩 w